SIBLINGS! A household with kids that have differences and learning to get along!
Here is a perspective of REAL life experiences of siblings that were close in age and undoubtedly had sibling rivalry but grew up in a house that focused on love and respect for everyone no matter what the situation that arose! And trust me when I say, we had a LOT of trial and error with a LOT of differences but the 3 things stayed the same… CONSISTENCY, NO PHYSICAL HARM ALLOWED and RESPECT!
Let me give you a little summary of how close my kids were in age!
My oldest son was only 16 months old when my twins were born! Yep! We had 3 in diapers and 3 in cribs for about a year and a half! I will save that diaper and crib story for another blog. But one of my biggest fears as a parent of a young toddler and bringing home 2 siblings was having my oldest feel left out! Some thoughts were “How in the world will I decide who to go to first if they were ALL crying at once?” “How would I decide?” “What if I made one child feel less important especially the first born, I mean how could he compete with 1 sibling at the age of 16 months let alone 2!” Having a set of twins your thoughts are already going to concerns for making sure all needs are being met along with making sure they knew they were individuals and loved equally! I never wanted any of my kids to feel like there was a “difference” and I was VERY sensitive to all of these concerns, so making sure my kids got along was TOP priority in our house along with making sure they ALL felt special! After the twins were around 2 years old, we decided we wanted to have another child! YES, we DECIDED to have another one! When our youngest was born, we had 4 kids under the age of 5 years old! The questions and concerns for all the siblings to feel loved and equal didn’t stop. No matter how many kids we had that was a focus for us! So, with all of that being said, here are a few strategies and hopefully helpful ideas you might can use in your household with your children that we figured out that worked best for us after some trial and error!
One of the first and I feel MOST important strategy to consider is:
Being Consistent! No matter how hard it is and how exhausted you are… CONSISTENCY is KEY!
No matter how you choose to nurture and discipline your children being consistent is very important. It lets them know exactly what to expect and know there will be a consequence if a boundary was crossed. I think one of the biggest mistakes we made was not being consistent. Once we realized how important that was for our boys, it really made a huge difference in behavior towards each other. They knew that if there was a conflict, there was a consequence. For example, when my boys would get into a disagreement of any sort, the final step to the resolution was ALWAYS hugging each other! No matter what! This was important for them to know that no matter how much we disagree at the end of the day we still loved and respected each other. Giving a hug usually ended up in a laughing situation because there would be moans and groans because they knew it was coming! Then sometimes we would be laughing because sometimes they would be hugging and no matter how upset they were they ended up with a smile or soften the whole situation 9 times out of 10! It honestly became something Art and I looked forward to because it did our hearts good to see them hug and end up laughing!
Second strategy that seemed to really work well with our 4 boys is RESPECT no matter what!
Everyone in the family, right or wrong, deserves respect! With that, I mean respect in hearing each side out and learning to listen even though we didn’t like what they were saying or thought they were wrong! Teaching our guys to be respectful was a huge lesson that they could carry on through out their adult life! Starting at a very young age we tried to make them talk it out and listen to each other when there was disagreements or fighting over a toy or whatever they weren’t getting along over! Starting this at a young age will be very important because no matter where they are in their language development, teaching them to use their words and say how they feel will be beneficial. When they are very young and vocabulary is limited and they are still trying to figure out how to express their feelings, this is where you come in and being an example and modeling for them is very beneficial. For example “I can see you don’t like it when your brothers takes your truck. Use your words and tell him, please don’t take my truck.” Stating facts of what you see in a sibling situation will help guide your kids in learning how to recognize what they are feeling. Plus you are giving them the words to help them use to express their feelings. This might sound like a lot and you’re thinking… I don’t have time for that! But trust me when I tell you, if you take the time now, it will be SO worth it later on!
The last important strategy to help with siblings! Is NO PHYSICAL HARM is allowed in the house, even if you get SO angry you want to lash out! ZERO TOLERANCE!
In our household this is definitely was one of the important ones too with 4 boys! I would have someone say to me quite often over the years… “Oh I bet you have a lot of fights in your house!” Well, the answer to that is yes and no! We did have fights but NO physical fights! That’s hard to believe for some people that we didn’t but I’m telling you, we didn’t and I’m proud of that accomplishment!
Our boys knew that words could hurt enough so there was absolutely no physical harm allowed because we respected one another and loved each other enough that we didn’t want to hurt someone with using violence. Violence just didn’t solve anything; it just created more issues that were unnecessary. Again, we had to model this and instill in our boys how important each other was and how we valued them. Yes, there was hitting at first when they were young but we ended it real quick and they learned from the beginning it would not be tolerated in our family. So, using our words was first and foremost. If that didn’t work or you felt you couldn’t resist wanting to hit your brother you hear us say a LOT------ “WALK AWAY!” Especially if we were seeing the triggers from their brothers and we could intervene. This was a challenge to say the least but again going back to my first strategy of being consistent is the main key! If we couldn’t catch it in time and got there late in the game and someone had already been hit then there was a consequence for sure! Not every now and again or whenever it was convenient EVERY TIME! I know there were times I would be exhausted and I knew the easy way would be to just let it go and not follow through with our house expectations but I came to realize that that was doing more harm than good!
Sticking to the plan that you make as parents and being on the same team helps your kids feel safe, loved, and valued. Being consistent, being respected, and not allowing physical harm of ANY kind in our house were the basis of our overall sibling relationships! We knew as parents, some of our goals were to have children that knew they were loved, respected, and heard in our house. Were there trying times? Of course! But was it worth it in the end now that we have our young adults all living together in Nashville and have been since they moved out? YES! No matter what they might tell you to your face, they DO love each other and are very close! HA The joke is that nobody tells each other they love each other out loud but let something happen to one of them and you have ALL 4 to deal with! They stick up for each other from the outside world of people and make sure each other are taken care of and not left out! As a parent, this warms your heart and makes you have tear pricks when you hear your young adults being thoughtful and concerned for one another! By no means is everything always perfect with their relationships with each other, but I can say without a doubt they respect and love each other!
Let me know what are some things that work for you in your household with your kids and their siblings! Leave comments below or visit the community page and lets chat!
